Key Terms

Boundaries.

Boundaries are limitations and expectations you place on yourself others. They help to define what you are comfortable with and how you would like to be treated.

Physical Boundaries can look like:

• who can touch you

• how & when they can touch you

Sexual Boundaries can look like:

• discussing protection

• consent with likes and dislikes

Emotional Boundaries can look like:

• balancing alone time and togetherness

• expecting loyalty and commitment

Trauma Bond.

Trauma bonds occur in the abuse cycle, in between where the love bombing ends & the devaluing phase begins. This constant fluctuation between fear and excitement in an abusive relationship actually creates a chemical reaction, bonding a victim to their abuser.

Those who have experienced trauma in childhood development are more likely to enter into abusive relationships as adults. The overstimulation of the nervous system recognizes and is drawn to the familiar feeling of instability.

Education, therapy, and forming healthy relationships is a way to break trauma bonds.

Codependency.

Codependency is an imbalance in relationships with the codependent lacking a sense of self. The codependent typically:

• has difficulties making decisions and communicating

• values opinions of others more than opinions of self

• lacks self-trust and healthy boundaries in relationships

• possesses an exaggerated sense of responsibility for others

Codependents may be sought after by abusive types due to their inability to set boundaries in relationships.

C-PTSD.

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder differs from PTSD in that it is associated with long-term, repeated trauma typically occurring in childhood. It is a relatively new diagnosis, with symptoms including behavioral, emotional, cognitive and interpersonal difficulties.

It’s imperative to consult with a medical professional to learn more about how C-PTSD might impact relationships.

People Pleasing.

Displays behaviors associated with a need to feel accepted and liked that are connected to self-worth.

People pleasing behaviors could look like:

1. Pretending to agree when you really don’t.

2. Apologizing often for things that aren’t your fault.

3. Being unable to say no for fear of letting someone down.

4. Avoiding conflict to keep the peace.

5. Not admitting when your feelings are hurt.

6. Feeling responsible for how others feel.

7. Feeling budened by tasks that need to be completed.

8. Acting like others around you.

9. Feeling uncomfortable when someone is upset or angry.

10. Needing praise to feel good.

Gaslighting.

The process of psychological manipulation when an abuser systematically tears apart the world and self-confidence of another.

Situations are set up by the abuser to make the target start to doubt their own memories. The target becomes unsure of themselves and hands over full reign to the abuser.

Flying Monkeys.

People used by an abuser to do their dirty work. Abusers use triangulation, a divide and conquer method to manipulate their target.

Smear Campaign.

A technique used by abusers to manipulate opinions of others to turn people against a target.

Narcissistic Offense.

When a narcissist, sociopath or psychopath takes something wrong done unto them and blows it irreparably out of proportion.

This is not an insecurity, it’s the narcissist or sociopath’s way of showing offense because they believe they should constantly be praised. The narcissist believes they are flawless.

Intermittent Reinforcement.

Sometimes referred to as operant conditioning, intermittent reinforcement is conditioning which trains survivors to anxiously anticipate when the abuse will stop and the connection that appeared in the love bombing phase will reappear. This process is repeated several times, leaving the target left feeling confused and walking on eggshells.

Intermittent reinforcement summed up is, “an abuser doesn’t abuse every day”

Idealize, Devalue, and Discard.

Idealize: can also be known as the “love bombing” stage, this is in the beginning of a relationship when the abuser is soaking up all the information about their target so they can begin to mirror certain qualities. This is the stage that typically ‘hooks’ a target into believing they have found “the one.”

Devalue: This stage comes after the abuser has the target fully hooked & somewhat dependent. This is when everything comes crashing down. All the things that made you think the relationship was perfect in the “idealize” stage are now being thrown back in the target’s face as negativity. The abuser’s goal is to turn a strong, independent person into a needy, dependent who relies on the abuser.

Discard: this phase is rejection. The abuser no longer sees a need for their target, typically after devaluing them so much, so they toss them away to begin the journey to find the next target.