Boundaries, not Walls
“Walls keep everybody out. Boundaries teach people where the door is.” - Mark Groves from Create the Love
Boundaries are something I have always struggled with. I’m a people-pleaser. I like making people happy. This is something I recently discovered has been more detrimental to my relationships than positive. I always thought it meant I was strong. I may have, at one point, been able to prioritize my needs AND the needs of others at the same time, but even as I write that it doens’t make sense. Prioritize is, by definition, to organize things so that the most important thing is dealt with first. Again, the MOST IMPORTANT thing is dealt with first. This means that, in reality, I was putting greater importance on other people than I was on myself. That’s a terribly toxic trait for someone who has experienced abusive relationships and that’s exactly why learning healthy boundaries are so incredibly important.
Previously, I thought I did a great job with protecting myself. I had experienced some shit and I thought I learned from it by building walls larger than the Great Wall of China. Trump probably would have hired me to construct the wall on the border, that’s how good I was at this shit. Until one day, my walls came crumbling down. See, the problem with walls is that they can do just that. Someone can shoot a hole in it, someone can climb over it, someone can install a door.. and another problem with walls is that you’re left alone on the inside until that, the inevitable, happens. Walls made me feel like a victim; like I was constantly going back to Home Depot (Lowe’s really, because the colors aren’t as aggressive to me) to get more supplies to fix the damage that someone caused. I became tired of taking those trips and that’s when I discovered boundaries.
Boundaries have allowed me more freedom and control over who and when I let someone into my life. I’m still somewhat hypervigilant but the boundaries are also a way of trusting myself more. I’m learning where I’m comfortable setting a boundary and when I’m comfortable moving that boundary with someone. & you know what I’m learning??? Boundaries are WAY easier for me to control and move (when I’m ready) than walls. It’s not as lonely over here in Boundary World.
