Relationships after Trauma

Relationships, in general, are hard. They require a ton of hard work, effort and energy to be put in by both parties. When trauma is thrown into the mix, there’s just another layer that needs to be peeled back, digested, and worked through. The most important thing in any relationship is to truly understand yourself. Failing to heal from past wounds can lead to a cycle of abuse and/or accepting less than you deserve in relationships.

What is Trauma?

A few friends and I recently had a debate on how trauma was defined. My understanding of the word was severe psychological distress caused by a terrible or life threatening event, such as an accident, assault or natural disaster. There are obviously different elements and layers based on length and severity of exposure to trauma, but I was under the impression that trauma had a very clear cut definition. My friends allowed for more gray area with their definitions, defining trauma as something subjective. The broader definition being anything that might impact your nervous system which results in learned coping mechanisms that no longer serve your present needs/wants and disconnects us from our true self.

At the end of the day, the goal is for you to recognize and begin to understand the traumatic experiences you have gone through (however you choose to define the word) that have shaped you into who you are. Acknowledging trauma allows you to recognize there might be emotional gaps that you have been filling with unhealthy methodology.

I recently read something by a Complex PTSD survivor which said “I’ve had to survive in relationships instead of thrive,” & going through these toxic, traumatic relationships can make you rely on survival skills, such as hypervigilance, lack of trust, control, silence, codependence, fear of intimacy, shame and dissociation. We don’t want to carry these coping mechanisms over into a new & healthy relationships which is why it’s imperative to heal ourselves. We want to be able to thrive!