Miss Representation
6 months after the end of a 4 year relationship with someone I met on Tinder, I realized that we were only ever together because I misrepresented myself so that he would choose me. For the first several months of our relationship I played him the way I needed to so that he would make the decision to be in a monogamous relationship with me. Trust me, I do NOT like knowing this about myself! But self awareness is the key to growth, ya’ll! I was completely blind to who this guy actually was because I was so hyper-focused on being chosen. And I remember having a feeling of, “I know I’m going to get him.” I turned on my “cool girl” mode and acted like I didn’t care about much of anything besides having a good time. I can look back on this and see myself being manipulative. I also see that I wanted someone else to want me so badly that I convinced myself I was someone else. He even admitted that he introduced me to his family much earlier than any other girlfriend - this reinforced the success I felt in getting him to choose to be with me. We stayed together for about 4 years. We did have some sense of love for each other and we had some things in common - mostly drinking - but most of the relationship was a roller coaster of fights & make-ups. We lived together for about a year - societal pressure, I think. By the second month of living together, I had written in my journal that I felt stuck with this person until the lease was up… The feeling of wanting to be chosen had turned off. I was starting to pay real attention to how he actually made me feel, our differences, and what I really wanted and needed in a partner. The fact that we both liked to go on hikes was no longer enough. If it was, I could be with literally anybody on a dating app… maybe I actually thought so back then. That relationship ended with a bang. We did the separating of intertwined lives / possessions within our formerly shared home - something I hope I never have to do again, it was so painful.
About 9 months later I was in a relationship with someone I met on Bumble. This time around I had worked with a therapist to set my “partner bar” - a list of criteria I now knew I was looking for in a long-term partner. I could be more discerning. I could pay attention to how the other person made me feel and decide if I actually liked them instead of being so focused on hoping they would like me. But you know what they say… Karma’s a b!tch. BumbleBoy had described himself in certain ways that seemed to match up so serendipitously to the qualities I was looking for, but over time (after he had gained my commitment) his true self was revealed - a self that wasn’t actually very compatible with me at all. It occurs to me now, a few months after the end of that relationship, that he was most likely in a place in life when we met where he just really really needed to feel chosen.
Moral of the story: Be true to yourself. Let your freak flag fly. You are lovable as your authentic self. Wish me luck on Hinge.
